The Balance of Selfishness: A Path to Self-Discovery
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Understanding Selfishness: Good or Bad?
It may seem straightforward—my life is solely mine. Yet, numerous individuals perceive it differently. Their lives often belong to a partner, parents, children, a deity, or a community, rather than to themselves. This avoidance of personal responsibility can lead to feelings of helplessness, various symptoms, and a pervasive sense of sadness. But why do some individuals choose to relinquish control over their lives to others?
This mindset often originates in childhood when parents make decisions for their children. Consequently, the child may internalize the belief that something is fundamentally flawed within them, leading to the conviction that they cannot manage their own existence. This deprivation of autonomy over their own desires, thoughts, feelings, and even their own bodies creates a sense of "learned helplessness." To a child, the world appears threatening, and the parent becomes the sole source of safety. Over time, this parental figure may be replaced by someone or something else, but the core sentiment remains unchanged. The notion of "not" becomes a defining characteristic of their identity; individuals may feel inferior, insignificant, unworthy, and unloved.
A child inherently needs their parent. If a parent does not acknowledge their own value, they may unconsciously encourage the child to remain dependent, perpetually in need of them. One effective method of fostering such dependence is to instill a belief in the child that they should prioritize others over themselves and develop a negative self-image. This is a form of selfishness. The question arises: who should one prioritize? Typically, it is the parent. Although this is rarely articulated directly, it is heavily implied.
In Latin, "ego" translates to "I," and selfishness refers to behavior that seeks personal benefit. Everyone exhibits some degree of selfishness as they strive for happiness and engage in activities that promote this feeling. While one can be selfish to the point of isolation, excessive selflessness and martyrdom can drain energy and breed frustration.
Choosing oneself occurs when we assert our opinions or desires, or when we relinquish them for someone else’s benefit. Every decision we make carries a personal advantage. The foundation of caring for others lies in self-care. Recognizing this is essential; for instance, when we yield to another, we ultimately benefit ourselves by enhancing our self-image as kind, smart, and generous individuals.
Case Study: Natasha's Journey
In a recent consultation, I met a young woman named Natasha, who expressed a desire to enjoy life but felt unable to do so. I encouraged her to focus on her bodily sensations and she identified a sense of discomfort in her throat, which she visualized as fog. This fog was obstructing her ability to articulate her thoughts and feelings. Natasha believed her life did not belong to her but rather to her mother.
She observed that others seemed to own their lives because they permitted themselves to be selfish without fear of rejection. However, Natasha feared selfishness, having been raised with her mother’s admonition that "those who think of themselves are egotists." Her mother's opinion loomed large in Natasha's mind, and she feared disapproval.
When I asked Natasha to identify another authoritative figure in her life, she realized there was none, except for a fictional character she called the Guardian of the Family. Upon introducing this Guardian, Natasha discovered that it allowed her to embrace selfishness. According to the Guardian, for her lineage to thrive, she needed to focus on her own needs first. This realization would enable her to live fully, start her own family, and contribute positively to future generations.
Listening to the Guardian, Natasha found herself in agreement, though she began to experience headaches. The Guardian continued to reassure her that stepping away from her mother was the right choice, emphasizing that living "in vain" meant clinging to the past. The Guardian encouraged her to progress at her own pace, even if it was slow. It stressed the importance of learning to communicate openly and allow joy into her life.
As Natasha connected with the Guardian's wisdom, she began to trust its guidance, and her headache dissipated. The fog lifted, and she joyfully declared, "My life belongs to me." She felt an eagerness to engage, converse, and laugh.
Despite Natasha's newfound optimism, it's crucial to recognize that embracing responsibility for one's life is not an instantaneous event but a gradual journey that may span years. Today, through the support of the Guardian, Natasha took a significant step toward reclaiming her identity and accepting her right to be "selfish." The number of steps required to fully realize this transformation remains uncertain.
The Importance of Security and Trust
Lacking a sense of safety and fundamental trust in the world, individuals must cultivate these qualities during therapy, embarking on a challenging and lengthy journey toward maturity. Various resources—be they supportive family members, wise figures, or therapists—can serve as guiding influences. By viewing oneself and one’s circumstances through an alternate lens, unexpected solutions to problems may emerge.
When we acknowledge that our lives truly belong to us, we assume responsibility for how we choose to live them. This realization leads to the understanding that at every moment, we have the power to choose ourselves.
Embracing Reasonable Selfishness
The concept of "reasonable selfishness" embodies a healthy self-esteem and self-love. A reasonable selfish person can balance their own desires with consideration for others, fostering harmony within themselves and with the world around them.
Understanding how to discern selfishness and its implications can guide individuals toward a healthier self-image and relationships.
Exploring the positive aspects of selfishness can lead to personal growth and fulfillment.