Chapter 1: Early Spiritual Encounters

One of the pivotal moments in my early life occurred when I was taken to a Christian church on a Sunday morning, where I was compelled to recite the so-called “Sinner’s Prayer.” Although I can’t recall the exact words, it conveyed a sentiment of surrendering my heart to Jesus, acknowledging my sins, and seeking salvation. This particular prayer, offered when I was around 11 or 12, marked a significant turning point in my life.

Following this church visit, our home underwent a drastic transformation; anything deemed "demonic" was systematically discarded. VHS tapes—yes, I am that old—were not merely thrown out but destroyed. CDs were rendered unplayable to prevent anyone from accessing music considered sinful. I was informed that I would be homeschooled the next year, as my family moved to a smaller church that introduced us to Messianic Judaism—a euphemism for Christian Jews.

As we continued down this path, our practices grew increasingly unconventional: no more Christmas, Easter, or Halloween. Secular music was banned, particularly The Beatles. My clothing, speech, and beliefs were dictated, and I was warned of dire consequences if I strayed from the prescribed path. My aunt expressed concern that my lack of Bible reading could leave me behind during the Rapture, which led to overwhelming anxiety and early insomnia.

Even before I grasped the concept of deconstruction, I sensed a disconnect between my beliefs and what was preached. Fear silenced my doubts, and when I was diagnosed with depression and prescribed medication, I feared my struggles would be perceived as hidden sins. My mother’s reaction to a harmless poster of Keanu Reeves on my door—believing it to be idolatrous—confounded me.

By age 16, the pressure to conform became unbearable. I abandoned the notion of being the “ideal” child, realizing I was perceived as a disappointment no matter my efforts. I resisted reading from the New Testament at church, preferring the Torah, and rejected the idea of a Bat Mitzvah since I felt too old. The disturbing attention of older men toward younger girls in our community further hardened my heart against outdated beliefs, particularly the notion that I could not marry without my parents' approval.

Section 1.1: The Turning Point

Having recently watched Disney's Encanto and Pixar's Turning Red with my children, I found myself inspired and relieved by their themes of self-acceptance and family dynamics.

When I say my heart hardened, I mean that the accumulated sadness, anger, and fear spilled over, leading me to act out in ways I never imagined. With the newfound freedom of the internet, I began to meet people and engage in behavior that would shock even the most seasoned sailors. My first intimate encounter took place in the back of my 1996 Nissan, and I developed a habit of drinking heavily on weekends. I still attended church to appease my mother, allowing others to pray over me in hopes of turning my life around.

Section 1.2: A Crisis of Faith

Another significant moment came when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was a shock—she led a healthy lifestyle, so how could this happen? My anger directed at God was palpable. The response I received—that everything happens for a reason—did little to ease my turmoil, and my faith began to wane.

My mother underwent multiple surgeries, culminating in a double mastectomy, while our family adopted a strict plant-based diet as a means of holistic healing. Any attempt to introduce “unhealthy” foods into our home was met with accusations and shouting. My weight plummeted, prompting my boss to confront me about a potential eating disorder.

The breaking point came when my mother became furious upon discovering I was considering moving out. At nearly 21, I was exhausted by her “My House, My Rules” mantra. My relationship with a man she despised only intensified the tension. When she found me perusing rental ads, she unleashed her fury, accusing me of being the cause of her cancer due to the stress I supposedly inflicted throughout her life. I spiraled into self-loathing, convinced I was a mistake.

Despite my internal turmoil, I continued attending church, feigning the role of a good Christian. I volunteered, tithed, and participated in worship, yet I gleaned little from the sermons. Deep down, I still believed in God and Jesus, but my mindset shifted to a resigned acceptance of my perceived fate in Hell.

Chapter 2: Rediscovering Faith

It wasn’t until about five years ago that I discovered the term “Progressive Christian.” This revelation opened a new world of possibilities, connecting me with others who shared my struggles with traditional beliefs. I found a community of individuals who, like me, questioned certain biblical teachings while embracing love and acceptance, including support for the LGBTQ+ community.

This journey of self-discovery has brought me immense joy and peace. Living by the tenet of loving others as I have been loved is my guiding principle. I strive to embody this truth daily, accepting my imperfections while continuing to grow. My faith has evolved, and I now find solace in being part of a supportive community.

Thank you for visiting! If you’re new here, it’s a pleasure to meet you! To learn more about me, I invite you to read my personal story.

Video Description: In this captivating clip, Alfie Solomons shares his thoughts on personal struggles and the concept of stigmata, shedding light on his complex character in Peaky Blinders.

Video Description: Witness the intense and intriguing dynamic as Tommy Shelby encounters Alfie Solomons, highlighting their unique relationship in the series.

Thank you for taking the time to engage with my story! Your support means the world to me, and remember to care for yourself—you are valued and cherished!

With love, Dani