Teaching Children to Embrace Cognitive Flexibility: A Guide
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Chapter 1: Understanding Cognitive Rigidity
When children jump to conclusions or exhibit inflexible thinking, our instinct may be to clarify what we believe is flawed reasoning. Often, we attempt to rationalize their feelings, and I admit I've done this myself. However, when guiding kids to recognize the nuances of life and enhance their cognitive flexibility, relying solely on logic can often be counterproductive.
So, how can we assist our children in moving beyond a simplistic view of right and wrong, and in considering the viewpoints of others?
Recognizing and validating feelings is crucial.
Section 1.1: The Importance of Validation
How do you feel when you share an opinion or emotion and someone disputes your experience?
I recall a lunch outing with a fellow new mom when our babies were both around eight months old. As we concluded our meal, she shared her anxiety about dining out with her little one. She feared her baby would be noisy or create a mess, leading other patrons to judge her as a poor parent.
“We could have just left if they acted up,” I suggested, attempting to be helpful.
“Anxiety isn’t rational, Jill,” she kindly reminded me.
I understood that, but my response, though well-intentioned, was dismissive. Instead of listening and providing support, I tried to negate her feelings. Thankfully, she’s a forgiving friend.
This tendency to dismiss children’s feelings is common; we often fail to take their emotions seriously simply because they are younger. Before we can help them navigate grey areas or consider alternatives, we must first acknowledge and validate their experiences.
Challenging someone’s viewpoint can put them on guard, resulting in them becoming even more entrenched in their original stance. It’s far more constructive to listen and seek to understand rather than telling them their feelings are wrong just because we don’t comprehend them.
Subsection 1.1.1: Empathy as a Tool
Alongside validation, demonstrating empathy for our children’s experiences is vital if we want them to learn to empathize with others.
My son tends to be a strict enforcer of rules. His black-and-white thinking, combined with anxiety, can cause him to get stuck if he perceives that someone isn’t adhering to the rules. I've found that lecturing him during these moments is ineffective (believe me, I’ve tried!).
I've come to realize that when our brains are stressed or in anxiety mode, we often struggle to access the rational part of our minds.
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When my son starts "policing" others’ actions, the most effective way to alleviate his anxiety is to ensure he feels heard. Only after I validate and empathize with his feelings can he expand his perspective and see the bigger picture.
“He’s cheating! We’re not supposed to do that; it’s against the rules.”
“That’s really frustrating when someone doesn't follow the rules; I understand, buddy.”
“Yeah, he’s doing it on purpose and ruining the game!”
“I can see how that makes it tough for you to enjoy the game. Perhaps he wasn’t aware of that rule? Maybe if you explain it to him, you both could try again?”
If I had immediately scolded him for being “bossy” or accused his friend of cheating without understanding the context, the discussion would have shifted to defending his original stance instead of fostering understanding.
It's much more productive for me to demonstrate that I value his feelings before guiding him to see things from another’s perspective and then helping him find a solution.
Section 1.2: Role-Modeling Flexible Thinking
The previous examples also serve to model perspective-taking and flexible thinking. It would be unreasonable to expect our children to develop mental flexibility if we don’t practice it ourselves.
When faced with unexpected changes, how do you react? Do you express frustration, or do you adapt and seek alternatives? Neither response is wrong; every individual's reaction is valid. Knowing how we typically respond allows us to adjust our reactions to demonstrate the behaviors we want our children to adopt.
I haven't always excelled at adapting to change. I often grapple with rigid thinking, much like my son, who is also neurodivergent. This realization has prompted me to be more mindful of the examples I set for him.
Not only can we model constructive responses to life’s surprises, but we can also process our thoughts aloud, providing children with real-time examples of coping strategies. This means we should have a plan for navigating unexpected challenges.
Chapter 2: Real-Life Examples of Cognitive Adaptability
One memorable experience occurred early in the Covid pandemic. After being referred for bloodwork, my son and I approached the clinic, only to discover an unusually long line stretching down the hall.
I checked online for alternative locations, but they were all similarly busy. Prepared with our books, I shrugged and said to my son, “Not much we can do about it, right?” He nodded and replied, “Complaining won’t speed things up, right, Mom?”
In that moment, I felt proud of both of us. In the past, I would have become irritable and left in frustration. Instead, we settled in for the long wait, reading together.
© Jillian Enright, Neurodiversity MBV.E.R.T.
If you appreciate acronyms, consider the one I’ve created: VERT, representing Validate, Empathize, Role-model, and Talk (process) out loud.
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