Chapter 1: The Quest for Validation

In both life and the realm of social media, the desire to be accepted and validated is prevalent.

Recently, a cousin of mine shared the news of her pregnancy, and after offering my congratulations, I found myself diving into blogs aimed at new mothers. This experience, while odd, turned out to be quite enlightening, leading me to discussions about topics I had never considered before, such as the optimal shape for a pacifier.

Among these blogs, one post caught my attention: "How to Manage Attention-Seeking Children." It stated, "These children crave attention, and many educators will suggest not to pick them up, arguing that they only seek validation, not comfort. They advise against nurturing a child who simply yearns for acknowledgment."

This prompted me to ponder whether the quest for validation is something to be concerned about. I sought insights beyond parenting blogs to clarify my thoughts, yet it was intriguing to recognize how essential the theme of affirmation is to personal growth.

During my teenage years, I felt this need for validation intensely—not that it has disappeared; in fact, it persists today. Adolescence is often marked by low self-esteem, and as my self-worth diminished, my craving for reassurance increased. I yearned for others to affirm that I was "fine just as I am."

Reflecting on my past, I realize that many of my adolescent insecurities stemmed from this hunger for acknowledgment, especially during moments of jealousy or anxiety. During those times, I sought external validation, needing others to reassure me that "everything is okay."

This dependency often led to an exhausting cycle of seeking approval from others, which, paradoxically, could drive them away and spark emotional turmoil.

The realization of this dynamic first surfaced during my sessions with a psychotherapist. After a lengthy conversation, I admitted that my greatest frustration was the lack of feedback from him. I was eager to know if he liked me, if we shared a bond, which seems rather absurd in a therapeutic context.

Yet, I craved something akin to the feedback loop found on social media, where "likes" and comments provide instant validation.

The concept of "likes" serves as a superficial measure of identity recognition, albeit a deceptive one. This numerical feedback can distort our perception of success, as the initial joy derived from them tends to be fleeting.

Social media, particularly Instagram, can feel like a precarious gamble for identity affirmation, as we post content with the hope of receiving positive feedback—a hope that doesn't always materialize.

However, I don't believe we should vilify the need for confirmation entirely. Human connections are built on promises, and the desire for affirmation is a way of ensuring that we stay true to those commitments. The phrase "making sure we're on the same page" encapsulates this idea well.

While seeking affirmation is natural, it's crucial to avoid becoming overly dependent, akin to a puppy waiting for a treat labeled "good dog." After all, while dogs are lovable, they aren't the ideal companions in romantic relationships.

This brings to mind Pavlov's dog and the concept of conditioned responses. Acknowledging our need for confirmation is part of human relationships, but we must also guard against emotional dependence, which can be perilous. If you sense you're slipping into that dependence, I recommend consulting a therapist to help navigate these feelings and ensure you don't become ensnared.

Although we all rely on others to some extent, it's vital to maintain a degree of autonomy in our thoughts. Without it, we risk becoming subservient rather than engaged partners. This surrendering of our thoughts can lead to manipulation, something we all want to avoid in our relationships.

When we feel an overwhelming need for validation, it's essential to turn inward and embark on a journey of self-discovery and self-esteem building. True self-esteem means feeling deserving of acknowledgment without having to plead for it.

It's crucial to understand that self-esteem isn't what advertisers portray in commercials; it doesn't hinge on purchasing a $50 cream. Instead, it's about not allowing others to dictate our worth.

Furthermore, I would never want the burden of telling someone, "You're fine just as you are." Such a responsibility is stifling and can damage relationships. Relying on someone else for validation makes us vulnerable to being molded into a version of ourselves that isn't authentic.

When the desire for confirmation arises, we should scrutinize the roots of our doubts and insecurities. If it pertains to our relationships, seeking clarity about our standing is legitimate. However, if it relates to our identity, it becomes more troubling.

Navigating the line between wanting acceptance from those we value and avoiding dependency can be incredibly challenging. I find myself with numerous questions and few answers. If you're willing to share your experiences in the comments, perhaps we can explore these questions together.

The first video, "Why do I need to be Confirmed?" provides a concise overview of the psychological importance of validation and how it influences our personal development.

The second video, "Sacraments 101: Confirmation (why we're confirmed)," delves deeper into the sacramental perspective of confirmation, highlighting its significance in personal growth and community connection.