# Understanding the Psychology of Unhealthy Attractions
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Chapter 1: The Nature of Attraction
I first encountered Ken Page's insights while tuning into one of my favorite self-improvement podcasts. Having repeatedly found myself entangled in relationships that were unfulfilling and detrimental, his work offered clarity on my past choices.
Attraction plays a fundamental role in forming our relationships. When we meet someone new, we experience a certain feeling that influences our decision to pursue them. Hence, the quality of this attraction significantly affects the relationship's development.
To illustrate, think of two loaves of bread: one packed with sugar and the other with minimal sweetness. The ingredients used lead to vastly different health outcomes. Will I feel drained as my sugar levels drop, or will I remain energized?
Beyond the bread analogy, it’s crucial to understand our attractions if we find ourselves repeatedly drawn to the wrong individuals and stuck in toxic cycles.
Ken Page distinguishes between healthy and unhealthy relationships based on two types of attractions: those that inspire and those that deprive. Grasping the science behind the latter is essential for breaking the cycle of unhealthy relationship patterns.
Section 1.1: Attractions of Deprivation
Attractions of deprivation are precisely what their name implies—they leave us feeling unfulfilled, undervalued, and yearning for more. They resemble a sunny day spent without water, resulting in discomfort and thirst.
Many of us have experienced these types of attractions. We can recall instances where we pursued someone who clearly wasn't interested or invested excessive energy into a relationship that offered little in return. These dynamics are often labeled as "toxic," and rightfully so.
In fact, they can be more harmful than we realize. They possess an addictive quality, drawing comparisons to gambling addictions among psychologists. This addiction is one of the reasons unhealthy relationships can escalate into severe emotional turmoil.
The first video titled "The Science of Attraction: Why You've Not Met Someone - Matthew Hussey (Bonus Episode)" delves into the psychological aspects of attraction and how our choices in partners can lead to unfulfilling relationships.
Section 1.2: Intermittent Reward Systems
Our brains are hardwired to seek out sources of pleasure, and this pursuit is driven by what we call motivation—the desire to achieve something rewarding. When we feel motivated, we often envision a reward that awaits us.
This is significant because the brain's reward centers also impact our emotions. For instance, when feeling down or stressed, we may instinctively reach for a sugary snack to uplift our spirits.
The issue with attractions of deprivation is that the individuals we are drawn to often display inconsistent behavior. They may appear disinterested most of the time, only to show brief moments of affection, leaving us puzzled about their true feelings. This inconsistency creates a dynamic reminiscent of a casino—where we are left guessing when we will receive our next "reward" of attention.
Chapter 2: The Addictive Nature of Unhealthy Relationships
Research suggests that all relationships can carry an addictive quality due to their effects on the brain's reward pathways—similar to the dysregulation seen in substance addictions.
As noted in one study, “Scientists have begun to draw parallels between the rewarding experiences tied to love and the stimulation from addictive substances like alcohol or heroin.”
It’s natural to seek connection with new partners, to rely on them for emotional support, and to feel a sense of withdrawal when apart. This dependence often underlies the formation of long-lasting attachments.
However, unhealthy relationships manipulate this natural bond to create dependency. They thrive on making you feel inadequate through canceled plans, mixed signals, and emotional manipulation, interspersed with sporadic moments of affection that leave you craving more.
This inconsistent treatment creates a cycle where feelings of inadequacy drive the need to win over the person who is simultaneously diminishing your self-worth.
The second video titled "The Science of Love, Desire and Attachment" explores how our emotional connections can lead to both healthy and unhealthy attachments, shedding light on the complexities of love.
Section 2.1: The Illusion of Finding Wholeness
In our relentless pursuit of affection, we often seek fulfillment from those who are incapable of providing it. We mistakenly believe that if we can secure their love, our issues will resolve.
This mindset is flawed and only exacerbated by societal influences. Ken Page aptly labels these dynamics as "attractions of deprivation." We chase after love because we feel incomplete.
True fulfillment cannot be sourced externally; it must come from within. Research shows that low self-esteem is linked to addictive behaviors, which in turn fosters approval-seeking tendencies. This combination leaves us vulnerable to unhealthy attachments.
Section 2.2: Recognizing and Breaking the Cycle
It is common for individuals who have suffered in toxic relationships to find themselves drawn to similar dynamics repeatedly, despite the emotional pain endured. Several factors contribute to this:
- They mistakenly equate these turbulent feelings with love, failing to distinguish them from anxiety-driven reactions.
- They may perceive healthy love as dull, dismissing the calm it offers.
- Unresolved self-esteem issues keep them in relationships that affirm their negative beliefs rather than heal them.
- They lack awareness of their patterns and choices, often relinquishing responsibility for their attraction to "bad partners."
As Ken Page advises, it is vital to pursue attractions of inspiration rather than those of deprivation. In healthy relationships, we are encouraged to accept love rather than chase it, which fundamentally alters the neurochemical dynamics at play.
No longer are we driven by feelings of inadequacy; instead, we learn to embrace ourselves as deserving of love without the pain. This shift may conflict with long-held beliefs that must be addressed to prevent self-sabotage.
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