I Will Exercise More in the New Year

Did you take a breath today? Did you brush your teeth? Did you use the restroom? Congratulations! You’ve exercised!

The term "exercise" encompasses:

noun — an activity that requires physical effort aimed at improving health and fitness.

Let’s be honest: breathing, maintaining dental hygiene, and regular bodily functions—especially for those over 40—demand effort. Neglecting these could lead to unpleasant consequences like bad breath, constipation, or worse.

Keep going, champion!

I Will Cut Back on Drinking

Most people who resolve to drink less typically continue their festivities right after the New Year’s Eve countdown. It’s a resolution that often fails within seconds of the clock striking midnight. To make this goal achievable, avoid specifying alcohol; you can simply promise to drink less of whatever beverage you choose.

If you manage to consume less of your favorite soda than last year, give yourself a pat on the back! Also, if you can say, “I drank less than Jim did last night, and he was really out of it,” at least once this year, you've successfully met your goal.

I Will Quit Smoking

This is one resolution that truly deserves your commitment. Smoking is harmful, and quitting is essential for your health.

I Will Treat Others Better

Sure, aim to treat people better, but avoid comparing it to any specific standard.

The trick to maintaining resolutions lies in their ambiguity. You could treat someone poorly while still being better than, say, how certain companies treat their employees or how authoritarian regimes handle dissent. You can manage this—just remember to be a decent human being!

I Will Read More

If you're reading this, congratulations, you overachiever! You’re already accomplishing your goal! Anything with words counts as reading.

Bonus: This also includes recipes and captions from shows you watch, which is a fun way to increase your reading this year!

I Will Join a Club

Feeling tired? Join the club.

Do you wish your children would listen to you? Join the club.

Are you struggling with finances and hoping to win the lottery? Join the club.

Joining clubs is simple; in fact, you’re already part of numerous ones without realizing it.

Oh, can't sleep? You're catching my drift.

Enjoying Life

This sounds easier than it is because life itself often feels like a series of obstacles. Each day can be a bit like navigating through a minefield, especially for parents, as children tend to take away your free time and sanity. Fortunately, as kids grow older, they might become more self-sufficient, allowing you to reclaim some peace.

No kids? Plug in your AirPods, activate noise cancellation, and enjoy your serene moment—you're doing great!

Being More Financially Responsible

If you’ve paid to access this article, congratulations—you’re on your way to smarter financial choices! Here are some tips to help you navigate your finances better:

1. Avoid dropping money—did you manage to hold onto a coin today? Well done!
2. Use a purse or fanny pack to keep track of your cash.
3. Keep bills organized in the same direction; disarray will only lead to unnecessary stress.

Consider extreme measures like selling everything and moving to a remote area just to escape the allure of online shopping!

Spending Less Time Online

Every year, the internet becomes increasingly addictive. Fortunately, platforms like social media are being designed to be so frustrating that it encourages us to disengage.

Not finding the internet annoying enough? Try selling something on Facebook Marketplace. You’ll likely encounter responses that will challenge your faith in humanity.

See? It really can be this simple.

Remember, your New Year resolutions don't need to be overly complicated. Keep them loose and flexible, and you’re likely to find yourself fulfilling promises to yourself all year long. Now that’s a club worth joining!