After enduring a series of disappointing seasons and a carousel of quarterbacks, the Cleveland Browns are taking drastic measures to secure victories, even if it means recruiting players with criminal backgrounds.

In a surprising agreement, this NFL team has acquired athletes from the infamous Los Angeles County Jail Miscreants. In return for taking on all the players from LA's third football squad, the Browns will cover the jail's outstanding debts. As a result, the Miscreants will dissolve, ensuring a separation between sports and incarceration.

While this ethically dubious decision raises eyebrows, on paper, the Browns seem to have improved their roster significantly. Below is a rundown of the players they have welcomed from the Los Angeles County Jail:

• Deshaun Watson — The prominent quarterback who will forgo his usual non-consensual massage routine, now limited to one male masseuse for the entire season.
• OJ Simpson — All-Pro running back, notorious for armed robbery and kidnapping—not murder, but for stealing memorabilia. Apparently, taking lives is acceptable, but merchandise theft crosses a line.
• Kevin Mack — Pro-Bowl fullback caught up in drug trafficking. Despite the new additions, the Browns at least bring back one familiar face.
• Irving Fryar — All-Pro wide receiver involved in mortgage fraud, aiding the Miscreants in alleviating some financial burdens when fans neglected to buy tickets.
• Rae Carruth — First-round draft pick and wide receiver who hired a hitman to kill his pregnant partner to dodge child support. If only someone had explained the concept of a vasectomy.
• Henry Ruggs — First-round draft pick and wide receiver implicated in drunk driving and vehicular manslaughter. Surprisingly, his victim wasn't Dwayne Haskins.
• Kellen Winslow II — Pro-Bowl tight end involved in the rape of an unconscious teenager. He might have evaded charges had Cee Lo Green been on the jury.
• Darren Sharper — All-Pro safety arrested for drugging and assaulting women. We wonder why he didn't face charges for attacking Greg Jennings, who was already struggling with a leg injury.
• Thomas Henderson — Pro Bowl linebacker charged with drugging and sexually assaulting minors. Henderson's actions have drawn admiration from some unsavory characters, including QAnon leader Matt Gaetz.
• Aldon Smith — All-Pro defensive end arrested for DUI and domestic abuse. His greed for multiple offenses may have cost him a place in the league, unlike Miami Pitbulls wide receiver Tyreek Hill.
• Nate Newton — All-Pro guard involved in illegal dog fighting and drug trafficking. While drug offenses can be overlooked, dog fighting is where we draw the line.

Additionally, the Browns have also acquired key players from one of NFL history's most formidable defenses: the Legion of Boom.

• Earl Thomas — All-Pro safety charged with making threats against his family.
• Brandon Browner — Pro-Bowl cornerback implicated in drug trafficking and attempted murder.
• Richard Sherman — All-Pro cornerback arrested for DUI and third-degree domestic violence.

It's astonishing that three out of four members of this defensive unit have faced arrests. Did the Seattle Seahawks spot talent among criminals before the Browns did? Is CTE a greater concern than we realized? Were these players merely intimidated by the looming presence of the final member, Kam Chancellor?

Regardless, the Browns appear to be gearing up for a Super Bowl run by channeling the spirit of The Longest Yard. This strategy has drawn criticism from devoted fans, some of whom claim they will never support the team again. We reached out to General Manager Andrew Berry for his thoughts.

Berry began:

> “Fans have threatened to stop watching us. But honestly, who are these people? We barely have any fans left. We lost every game in 2017. How do we still have viewers after that disaster?”

> “Even if we had fans, I'm surprised by their newfound ethics. It's unacceptable for us to hire felons, yet they feel justified in sending death threats to our organization? Regardless of our team's shortcomings, our players work tirelessly, often clocking 90-100 hour weeks just to entertain on Sundays. Yet, fans treat our staff as harshly as Chrissy Teigen treats young women online!”

> “Sports fans are not concerned with morality. If they truly valued ethics, they would have abandoned the NFL long ago. They still tune in every Sunday to watch our games and harass our front office. Fans only care about one thing: winning.”

> “Why is winning so crucial? It gives them a reason to spend three hours in front of a TV. Life is tough as it is. Many sports fans struggle with low education, limited job prospects, physical ailments, poor social lives, and unhealthy lifestyles. Their passing will mean little to anyone.”

> “We are simply providing fans with what they crave—a sense of purpose. Despite their hardships, they can find meaning in life by indulging in beer while watching athletes compete.”

> “This controversial decision comes with nothing to lose. We know the players we're bringing in possess talent. Talent leads to victories. Victories generate more fans. More fans translate to increased revenue. It’s a low-risk, high-reward situation for the Browns.”

When asked if this truly is a low-risk approach, considering players could easily return to jail, Berry shook his head.

> “Talent allows you to get away with a lot. Look at Antonio Brown. He’s among the fastest receivers in the league, yet he still gets chances despite his abusive behavior and legal troubles. Now, he’s jeopardized his final shot at the NFL to fund a presidential campaign in 2024!”

> “Society is willing to overlook significant flaws as long as there is talent involved. If a cannibal like Hannibal Lecter could throw a 90-yard touchdown, we’d label him as having an eating disorder. If R. Kelly could sprint the 40-yard dash in under four seconds, we’d chalk it up to a strange sex addiction. If Ryan Leaf were a kind-hearted citizen, we’d still say he’s not good enough.”

> “People will pay more for exceptional talent, irrespective of character flaws. Morals don’t speak; money does.”

Berry’s candidness was shocking, yet unsurprising given his capitalistic mindset. Society has long favored the attractive and talented, as evidenced by the public outcry for the release of Jeremy Meeks, a gang member, simply because of his looks.

When we inquired about how he would prevent players from ending up back in jail, Berry grinned.

> “We’ll just bring in Hollywood star Mark Wahlberg to mentor these troubled individuals! Marky Mark served time for assaulting and blinding a Vietnamese man, yet he turned his life around to become a successful producer! He can teach these men that even after making harmful mistakes, they can still achieve wealth and fame!”

Berry also mentioned he might consider bringing in Mel Gibson as a motivational speaker if any of the players struggle with alcohol issues or anti-Semitic views.

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Kam Chancellor is alive and well, having retired early in 2017. Early retirement in the NFL signifies either a heroic exit or a descent into villainy.

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