Chapter 1: The Struggle with Self

The most crucial advice for self-defense is to RUN! If you find yourself in a troublesome situation, escape immediately instead of warming up with martial arts. But what happens when the adversary is yourself? You can't simply run away from yourself, can you?

For much of my life, I tried to evade my true self, becoming quite adept at it. Recently, however, I confronted myself and faced the consequences of my avoidance. My only regret is that I didn’t confront my true self sooner.

I’m not discussing self-sabotage here. Mark Goulston’s insightful book on avoiding self-destructive behavior has been invaluable to me. What I want to express is how I spent a significant portion of my life evading my own nature.

Let me elaborate. Anxiety has plagued me throughout my existence. Whenever I found myself in a blissful moment, I would conjure up all the ways it could fall apart. My imagination ran wild. Like many, I developed coping strategies to manage my anxiety, but I always assumed that it was an inherent part of me. I never thought to challenge this belief, instead focusing on ways to cope. It’s only now that I understand anxiety is not my identity but a reaction to the elements that disrupted my life.

Take my experience with Christianity, for instance. After more than thirty years as a Christian, my anxiety only intensified. Many Christians assert that living a Christian life means acting against our human instincts. Being kind to those who treat you poorly, forgiving transgressors, and inviting more burdens upon yourself contradicts our natural tendencies toward selfishness and greed. I lived under this exhausting paradigm, believing it was the only path. Christians are often clear that living this way requires the Holy Spirit's guidance, but I eventually realized this approach is detrimental to genuine living. Relying on a higher power—whether real or imagined—can lead to a disconnection from one’s true self. It was only when I distanced myself from Christianity that I began to embrace who I truly am and treat myself with greater compassion.

My professional life mirrored this struggle. Raised to be compliant and reliable, I spent 27 years as a school teacher, aligning myself with ever-changing educational policies that frequently contradicted my initial passion for teaching. I realized that my adherence to these demands hindered my own fulfillment. The transformative book ‘Disobedient Teaching’ opened my eyes to the importance of aligning my actions with my true principles rather than conforming to external pressures. For far too long, I viewed disobedience as a negative trait.

Even in my writing endeavors, I created barriers to success. I would produce content I thought was acceptable, only to later decide it was terrible. This perfectionism led to a continuous cycle of editing that ultimately stifled my progress. The urge to meet others’ expectations overshadowed my genuine desire to write. Releasing this burden has been incredibly liberating.

Recognizing that your life contradicts your true nature requires significant self-awareness. This realization emerges after deep self-reflection and rigorous evaluation of every aspect of your life, often prompted by hardship and challenges. It may eventually necessitate rewriting the narrative you’ve constructed for yourself.

The journey to my current state of happiness has been lengthy, but I have never felt more fulfilled. I’m living my best life, and I cherish it. If you embark on a quest to discover your true nature, I hope your path is less convoluted. My advice: once you uncover your authentic self, let it guide you, and then step aside.

Chapter 2: Embracing Authenticity

This new chapter focuses on embracing the journey of self-discovery and authenticity.